3 Keys to Escaping Toxic Behaviors

At some point we’ve all been there. We’re feeling low, and so we turn to a certain behavior to make us feel better—but it only ends up making us feel worse. Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Toxic behaviors are those that we know are bad for us, but we can’t seem to stop doing them. In order to break the cycle, we have to understand what the behavior is doing for us and why we keep turning to it. Only then can we begin to escape the cycle of toxic behavior.

The Immediate Distraction or Numbing Effect

The most common reason we turn to toxic behaviors is because they provide an immediate distraction or numbing effect. When we’re feeling pain, hurt, or discomfort, our natural instinct is to try to get away from those feelings as quickly as possible, so we turn to whatever will help us escape those feelings in the moment, even if it’s only temporary. For some people, that might mean smoking a cigarette or having a drink. For others, it might mean binge-watching TV or overeating. Whatever the behavior may be, it’s something that takes our focus away from the pain we’re feeling in the moment.

When we find ourselves engaging in toxic behavior, it’s important to ask ourselves what feeling we are seeking to avoid. More often than not, we’re trying to avoid feeling pain or discomfort of some kind. We might be trying to numbed out feelings of sadness, anger, or fear, or we might be trying to escape from a sense of emptiness or loneliness. Whatever the feeling is, it’s important to be honest with ourselves about what we’re trying to avoid. Only then can we begin to address the underlying issues in a healthy and productive way.

The Whiplash Effect

Once the initial high from the toxic behavior wears off, we experience what’s known as the whiplash effect. This is when we come crashing down from the high of the behavior and are left feeling worse than we did before. We may feel guilty or ashamed of ourselves for engaging in the behavior in the first place. And so we start to beat ourselves up which only leads to more negative emotions and more toxic behaviors. It’s a never-ending cycle that can be hard to break free from.

So how do you release yourself from the toxic grip of guilt and shame? The first step is to understand the difference between the two emotions. Guilt is an emotion that we feel when we believe we have done something wrong. Shame, on the other hand, is an emotion that we feel when we believe we are wrong. In other words, guilt is about our actions, while shame is about our very selves.

Once you understand the difference between guilt and shame, you can start to see how toxic they can be. Toxic behavior often stems from a belief that we are somehow unworthy or undeserving of good things in life. We beat ourselves up for our mistakes, dwelling on them long after they’ve been made. We ruminate on past failures, letting them define us and shape our view of ourselves. We allow toxic emotions to control our lives instead of taking charge and living the life we want to live.

The good news is that we have the power to choose how we respond to toxic emotions like guilt and shame. We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. We can choose to let toxic emotions control us or we can choose to rise above them and live our best lives. Let’s talk about three practices that will help you escape from toxic behaviors.

First Practice: Ask yourself good questions.

The power of asking good questions comes from the ability to change the focus from toxic behavior. When we ask good questions, we gain clarity and awareness. Good questions help us to reframe the situation and see it from a different perspective.

Asking good questions is a skill that can be learned and practiced. The more we do it, the better we become at it. Asking good questions is one of the most powerful tools we have for creating positive change in our lives. Here are some questions that will help you understand what’s going on with your toxic behaviors:

• What feeling am I afraid of experiencing or dealing with right now?
• How does the toxic behavior that I get caught up in lead to other negative experiences?
• What positive emotional state would I prefer to experience instead of this negative state I keep getting caught in?

Second Practice: Practice forgiveness.

When we forgive someone, we are freeing ourselves from toxic thoughts and emotions. Resentment, bitterness, and anger are all toxic emotions that can damage our physical and mental health. Toxic emotions lead to toxic behaviors like abusing alcohol or drugs, overeating, or binging on TV shows or video games.

These toxic behaviors prevent us from moving on and achieving our personal goals. We get caught up in feeling guilty and unworthy, and then we don’t move forward on other things we know we should be doing. Forgiveness is essential to personal growth because it allows us to let go of toxic thoughts and emotions so that we can focus on our own happiness.

There could be a person connected to your toxic behaviors. Maybe there’s an unhealthy relationship dynamic that triggers negative feelings, and those feelings lead to toxic coping strategies. Another possibility is that your toxic behaviors come from your own internal belief system and poor self-esteem. Either way, forgiveness provides you with the opportunity to move forward.

When we forgive others or ourselves, we’re not saying that what happened is okay, but we are releasing our attachment to that previous experience. When we forgive, we’re recognizing that whatever happened is in the past, and there’s no point in carrying that any further. Whether you call it putting down your baggage, or making a clean slate, the spirit of forgiveness is letting the past be in the past so that you can get back to living in the present moment.

Third Practice: Re-connect to your values.

If you want to change your toxic behavior, you need to get clear on what your values are. Your values are the things that matter most to you. They’re the emotional states you most desire feeling and experiencing. Your values guide your decisions and shape your behavior.

When you’re clear about your values, it’s easier to identify toxic behavior and make changes that align with what’s important to you. Getting clarity around your own values is an important step in creating new, healthy habits and behaviors.

If we allow ourselves to simply stay in basic emotional response mode, it’s easy to fall into old habits and the conditioned responses we have developed to negative emotions. But if we get more focused on our values, we’re bringing our intellect back into the equation. We’re using our intelligence to overcome that basic emotional response.

For example, if you value feeling intelligent, then you can use that value to inform your choices around any kind of choice that could be framed as not being very smart. Some people would argue that smoking isn’t very smart, since we know it causes health issues. Some people might argue overeating isn’t very smart for the same reason. It’s not about whether that argument is “right” or not; it’s about tapping into your value system in a way that actually makes a difference for you.

If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of toxic behaviors, know that you’re not alone. Many of us have been there before and many of us are still struggling to break free. But it is possible to break the cycle if you understand what the behavior is doing for you and why you keep turning to it. Once you understand that, you can begin taking steps to escape the toxic cycle of behavior for good.